Consumerism Overwhelms me and my ASD kids

Here's an interesting thought I had today....

In my effort to provide a clear and therapeutic resting place for my family, I've discovered that my poor man's brain has been having an active fight with my need to purchase more and more things which has a detrimental affect on my kids. My kids are actively making me break the habits that are intuitively instilled in me based on what I perceive as this great way of life, which, I've discovered, is a fantasy at best, and at worst, a lie conjured up to keep me distracted from my own pursuit of happiness.

~Now I know that was a lot, 😉so let me see if I can unpack this light bulb moment for you. ~

My poor man's brain was built on the premise that "consumption gives you clout". What I mean by that is, the more you have, the more you think you have made it! or become somebody! I've always been a huge consumer. I don't know why, but I've always loved gadgets and things and the sheer joy of finding things on sale and that rush of buying it has always given me pleasure. Once I started having children, I passed that joy from buying things for me to buying this for them! I would love to find outfits and toys that I could just buy and buy for them to signify that

1. I worked hard enough to afford to buy you this stuff 
2. I love you so much, I will buy you this stuff

Two things that I now know to be very flawed in my thinking and at this point, I'm just now reconciling with my notions about this because of ..... my kids!

I've noticed that the more I have structure and a clear space for the kids, the more they are content, happy and able to focus on what is in front of them. Minimizing distractions has worked tremendously when it's come to school work and even potty training. If I throw the latest, loud, light-blinking gadget at them - they just shut off and shut down. Nothing of substance gets done, and most of the time, I end up desensitizing them to the new thing I just bought rather than the skill I'm trying to teach them.

Now how did this affect me? Well, now I've discovered this new guilty pleasure of mine. Looking at Tiny House youtube videos and dreaming that one day I too could live off the grid, simply and efficiently; Living on the road and not a slave to the daily grind. All the lies they told me about getting a job and being fulfilled by spending my money on stuff is just unraveling in front of me when I start to ponder this impossible dream. But then I realize, I can't possibly live in a tiny house/schoolie because I would probably buy a whole bunch of junk, fill it up, and end up consumed by my own consumerism, ending up back at a job I hate and back in hamster wheel of work - buy - consume - need place to put it - work some more.

My kids really do better with time spent and don't really need stuff. They love going to the park, having adventures, spending time talking/being social (which they need and crave) and just being around family and friends. I don't need a million shiny things to make this happen! What have I been doing with my life!?

So now - I contemplate all of the days I've set aside to do mindless shopping because society tells me to. Birthdays, and Holidays like Valentines day (blatant consumerism) all the way to Holiday/Christmas time.🎄 I buy so much stuff throughout the year and on their birthdays that I can't for the life of me think of what they would possibly need at the end of the year!

I write all this to say that I celebrate the death of consumerism for me today! Today is the last day I will spend money on wants and all wants. I'm testing my self-control in not buying more and more and it starts with little things.

• Bringing my lunch to work instead of consuming what I see outside
• Not feeling obligated to put a hundred frigging presents under the tree (do you know how many toys I find that they never even opened the box? just ripped off the paper? UGH)
• Getting rid of stuff in the house that I don't use (more minimalism - less time cleaning; more time to spend with kids)
• Getting up early to appreciate the things I DO spend money on (getting my butt up to go to the gym of which I spend money on a membership - so I should get my money's worth EY!)
• Just getting up early!! Appreciating the day and time to spend with my kids
• Investing in experiences and trying not to feel obligated to buy, buy, BUY

As I write, I see this list is a bit daunting but I'm determined to end this cycle so that my kids don't feel this way when they get older. I don't want them to be a slave to branding, and buying stuff they don't need just to impress someone they don't care about.

Throughout this year, spending time with my friends and family has really sustained me and the more I look around and notice that stuff isn't doing it for me, the more I realize that the fog is lifting and that I can become a better person by letting go and giving in to what really makes me happy. Anxiety is a bitch, but it sure is bringing about some major life lessons I needed to learn. 💯💯

Am I Black Enough For Ya!

Today I observed something that is not foreign to me, but has my mind in a whirlwind!
My children had a little concert this afternoon. Both play the piano and my son also plays the recorder. As each child stepped up to play their little songs, I noticed that some of the older students would fake sneeze or call out something stupid while the parents were clapping in between. I took it as they didn't want to be here and they were bored. But by the 7th kid, I had had enough of their childish ways and so did some of the other parents.
I also had an epiphany while sitting there. This is the start of the crabs in a barrel syndrome that has plagued black people for generations. When we speak correctly and use proper grammar, some of us are teased and made fun of and even accused of not being black! I don't know why, but I was pretty stunned to figure out that I have to teach my children, not only to look out for bullying, but to look out for this specific type of bullying. Bullying because they are smart, and they do use their manners. Not bending to peer pressure to "dumb it down" or be as stupid as you possibly can just to fit in.
While I know this next statement might seem racist, In all my years on earth I've only experienced this issue among black people and for the life of me I could never understand why that is.
Today I am lucky enough to be married and run a successful business. In the business community, we uplift each other because the end result is to network and build collaborations. In our own culture and as a black woman, I see the opposite on a daily and I'm wondering when this insanity is going to end!
We strive everyday to send our children to school so they can have a good education for their future, but everything around them is telling them that this is not so. You cannot express your good education and manners in the streets for fear of getting bullied, or worse, beaten up cause you are the smart kid! Yet, we also celebrate these children, giving them a pat on the back and praises for their good grades, but don't let them know that out there! Keep your mouth shut, or use your slang if you want to survive and be considered cool.
I don't know how in the hell I'm going to explain to my kids that they need a dual personality to deal with his friends and one to deal with his education. I don't want to have to explain that to my children! What I want is to praise them for their good works and encourage them to do better. Not give them a history lesson on why we have to act, talk, and conduct ourselves different ways among different people, especially our OWN people!.
When are we as parents going to stop playing this game and recognize that our children need our help and that we are educating them to make a better future. We are not going to be able to have a better future if they are all out making a fool of themselves on the surface, but deep down their geniuses.
I was fortunate enough to go to a school that celebrated differences and encouraged deep thought and conversation in a diverse setting. My children may not be so lucky depending on whats available as they grow older.
All I want to know, is when is it going to be cool or fashionable to have the courage to be yourself despite the ignorance of the crabs that are raising their crablings to be outwardly hateful and inwardly intelligent?

IEP tips: Come prepared with your own plan

Special Needs or Retarded?

 Its Sunday morning, and already I'm in trouble. I flew off the handle about a comment on Facebook regarding a child displaying bad behavior and the caption read ADHD - Ain't no Discipline (or Daddy) at Home Disorder!

Instantly I was upset on many different levels.

1. Is this idiot for real? 
2. Is this what my child is going to have to deal with in the future?
3. Are people really this closed minded regarding special needs children?
4. Did they mean to be this ignorant, or is this how they REALLY feel?

I had to take a good look at myself and how I see the world. I hate labels on all fronts because I believe people in general are more than what their label suggests, but as a Mom of a child that has been diagnosed with both Autism and ADHD, I am just not sure how others outside of our immediate circle will see him. In our small circle and because we HAD to be EDUCATED, we regard William as Special Needs or his actual diagnosis when describing him, but what do others say in context of my son and others like him. 

The sad fact is, most people either in front of my face or behind my back are going to call my son RETARDED.  Schools are going to think of him that way. Educated and Non-educated folks are going to think of him that way. Society is going to think of him that way. I do all that I can to educate others by blogging and being as active in the community as I can, but no amount of education is ever going to reach people enough to stop using that word or even believe that his diagnosis is REAL (yes there are really people that believe I make this SHIT UP!) 

Here's a list of the wonderful things people have to say about my son's diagnosis:

• His issues are made up
• Your imagining things
• He's not bad. Are you sure somethings wrong with him? (after 6 years of continuous therapy)
• That diagnosis (ADHD) is made up so drug companies can make money 

I know at the end of the day, people are going to believe what they want to believe and no amount of education or examples of children will change their mind. So they live in this world of conspiracy theories and ignorance and just politely say oh my bad, I didn't know YOUR child was RETARDED. Sorry. 

Because I cannot control the perception of the world, I KNOW that most people will regard my son as either a WEIRDO or RETARDED and it breaks my heart that I will never be able to do anything about it. In my community (which happens to be African-American) I know that this will occur more frequently than in other communities and for that, I must swallow my pride, walk tall and continue to educate and advocate for my son the best way I know how.  However, I know that these labels will still affect me and my family FOREVER, and that is never going to sit right with me, no matter what.

So in conclusion, I still don't know what to do. Either accept the label and excuse their ignorance, or stick my chest out and give a holy hell educated rant on the labels I use. Labels are labels, but words really can hurt and teaching people to think before speaking would NEVER work. 

How do you handle these situations with your special situation?

Single Serve Salad that lasts up to a week! Really Works! #diet # vegan ...

A good defense is the best offense...especially for ignorant onlookers

Today, I allowed myself to get angry! Most parents of special needs child try to calm their children down in a polite and quiet way without causing extra eyes to gaze upon them and make them feel more uncomfortable. Today, was not one of those days. As I scrolled through my facebook feed, I paused to see this pictured posted by one of my so called "friends" (I use this term loosely since I will be deleting them shortly.) I was almost shocked to see that someone who knew me and my son's situation would even have the audacity to A. post this nonsense and B. proudly agree and say that they "have been saying this for years." As a parent of a child that is both Autistic and ADHD I took offense and proceeded to tell this person off, but thought better about it knowing that I not only represent myself, but my son, my family, and my special needs community. If this is the message that other people have, what do you say to those that stare at you when you are dealing with a public meltdown, or those that have these types of things to say regarding children with special needs. I'd like to think that people are open minded to learning instead of spouting ignorance and foretelling their stupidity to the rest of the world, but I know in my mind that that is not the case. I almost feel sorry for the people that say that this is a "made up" diagnosis or (my favorite) "why are they just now diagnosis this, back in the day you never heard of this. those kids were just labeled as bad". Well, all I can say is times change and things change. We don't talk about things like polio because we've all but wiped out that threat, but back in the day, that used to be common. Now there are other disabilities to discuss and people can't just roll with the times. They have to find some way to undercut medicine or the special needs community in order to feel better about themselves, and that my friend is the definition of SAD! Sorry Ass Deadbeats who walk around feeling better about themselves by putting others with disabilities down. Well I'm not hiding my family from the public. I'm also not apologizing for having to deal with a mini meltdown or two. As a parent, its my job to teach my children (special needs or not) how to conduct themselves in public and if a teachable moment happens to be in the middle of an eruption, then so BE IT! Society and idiots that choose to live in a time warp bubble will just have to roll with the punches, or grow to be old and HOPE that these children that they are putting down today grow up to be law abiding, wage earning, citizens taking care of the older generation that spit upon them when they were growing up.
I'm here to tell you that you have no excuse. Get the right message instead of purporting the wrong message. As a parent of a special needs child, I am not afraid to conduct teachable moments to random adults either!

Separate but Equal? Philadelphia Charter Schools vs. Philadelphia Public Schools

As I sit here on a Tuesday afternoon, I am compelled to write about the injustice facing Philadelphia parents today and I'm eerily reminded of Plessy vs. Ferguson, the separate but equal case that governed our educational system for almost 70 years. Looking back at this policy, it is strangely quite similar to the setup we have in Philadelphia regarding business or private run schools (charter) vs public Philadelphia schools. As a parent of a special needs child, I am almost shocked that no one has thought to put these two ideas together, but I'll take a stab at it!
Separate but equal was deemed unconstitutional through Brown vs The Board of Education, but it seems that there is a new separate but equal that seems to slowly but surely creep up in this modern age.

Charter schools are a separate form of education that is deemed for everyone, but they are all run differently based on the business or private entity that run them. They have flexibility regarding who they hire and how they deliver curriculum to their students. They seem to be run on a totally different plan than district run public schools. Public schools have a set standard in hiring and delivering of the education to students. Teachers hired have to be certified (not always so in charter schools) and they have to follow carefully constructed criteria (IEPs, etc.) in order to comply and be able to obtain funding. Why are we treating these two streams of education so differently? They are both publicly funded school options for all Philadelphia residents. One appears to be better than the other. In my opinion, it appears that charter schools weren't asking for extra money or extra personnel to keep their children safe, but the public schools were. Why are repeating the same mistakes over and over again with regard to education. I thought the entire message of having charter schools was better access to education and to see if we could model all public education to work for all students. Not to separate them, but for them to work together bettering the education for all students receiving a public education which includes charter school students.
I almost feel like there is a set plan to blatantly shift or pull the wool over our eyes so that we do not see the injustice that is going on her today. As it stands, there is separate but UNEQUAL treatment going on in public education of the Philadelphia School system and NOONE, not even our Mayor is doing anything about it! It is deemed unconstitutional for a reason, and as parents we need immediate help to solve this situation. The discrimination has taken a left and shot right to hell regarding the education of our children here and unless we go further than the state (Governor is not interested in helping us) we will get nowhere. What are your thoughts regarding this modern day injustice?